- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
- How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
- Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
- Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
- I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
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