Saturday, May 21, 2011
- Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.
- Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
- Hello, this is John’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.
- Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
- Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?
- Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
- Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
LOVERS OF WORDS:
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Friday, May 20, 2011
When travelling the barrage of signs in many tourist locations are translated into English in many humorous ways. With English having so many words that can be interpreted in multiple odd ways, a lot of translations often cause the tourist a giggle or two.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts
You wouldn't think there were so many ways to misstate a health problem.
The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts.
- "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
- "Patient was alert and unresponsive."
- "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
- "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
- "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
- "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
- "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
- Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
- The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
- To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
- After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
- Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
- A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
- If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
- A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
- If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
- It's only a game until you lose.
- If God had intended man to watch TV, he would have given him rabbit ears.
- Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
- No matter where you go, you're there.
- I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.
Steve Nicks has said that Fleetwood Mac will reunite next year.
The singer has just released a new solo album In Your Dreams, on which she worked with ex-Eurythmic Dave Stewart, her first since 2001's Trouble in Shangri-La. But she has revealed that plans are already in place for the band to regroup in 2012, and possibly even make a new album, after she and Lindsey Buckingham finish promoting their solo work.
She told US blogger Perez Hilton: "When my album and Lindsey's albums come to a stop, then Fleetwood Mac will gather again and we'll either make another record or we won't and we'll just go on tour." It has been eight years since their last album, Say You Will.
Buckingham's LP Seeds We Sow is due this autumn. Nicks said it is her favourite solo album by her bandmate. "He took some serious melody pills on this one," she added.