- I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
- I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
- I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
- Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
- It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
- There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
- One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"
- A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
- Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
- Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
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